So, what's this BDSM-thing really?

That's a question I've been thinking about a lot lately. Both because my vanilla friends have been asking me, and because I've started checking out vanilla men. Which just feels rather pointless.

Well, I know what we DO ofcourse. I know about D/s, bondage, flogging, masochism, consent, fetishes and so on.

But what IS it? Is it just a "hobby"? Is it just something I like? Is it a preference? Or is it something stronger, something more ... basic? Like a basic need for all these things. Something I can't do without, something that I’ll sorely miss if I end up in a vanilla relationship?

Because let's face it. Finding a kinky boyfriend is hard. Atleast in Norway. Atleast for me it seems.

The English Wikipedia lists BDSM as a sexual preference. While the Norwegian one defines it as an orientation.
Which one should I choose to believe? Or … should I believe any of them? After all, we all know that Wikipedia is an undependable source of information sometimes.

If it’s a preference then it implies that it’s a voluntary choice. Does it mean that I’ve chosen to be like this? That I simply find vanilla sex to be boring?

Come on, seriously?

Note: I refer to the sub as “she”, simply because I’m a female sub. That does not mean that I don’t include the male sub into my writings. It just gets tiring writing her/him all the time. I also refer to the Dom as “he”. Simply because I’m straight, and to me my Dom will always be a man. Again, it’s the he/she thing. I’m just too lazy ...

Every now and then, and far too often, I hear about Dominants who almost run their subs into the ground. Either because they don’t know what they’re doing. Or because they simply don’t care. Leaving a wake of heartbroken subs as they move on.
And then they don’t understand why they get a bad reputation ...

Ok … gawi’s rule number 1 when it comes to BDSM:

Frakkin’ KNOW what you’re doing!!!!

Yesterday ..

Yesterday. Was not a good day.

It didn’t start off too bad. Just an ordinary morning. But then I went to visit my mom. And that’s when my day turned bad.
She weighs what … 45 kg now? (99 pounds). She can’t eat, so she gets everything intravenously. She has a lot of pain …
Then she tells me the doctors wants to have a meeting. With her, and us three daughters. An informational meeting. That can’t be good news …
When I got out of the hospital, on my way home, and most of the evening, I cried. For the first time in months I wasn’t able to stop myself.

I know that this, on it’s own, doesn’t belong in this blog.

But here’s the thing …
For the first time. For the first time EVER. I felt the need to play even though my feelings were a mess. I pinched my arm, to make the physical pain drive away the emotional. The only thing I could think about was calling my old Master, and ask him if he had the time and opportunity to spend a few hours with me.

However. I had medication for my daughter with me in my handbag. And family always go first. So I picked myself up as best I could and went home.

All through the evening though. I thought about playing.

I wrote about this in the post called “Reluctance”. Maybe my “fear” of play is diminishing? Maybe I’ll be able to play again soon? I feel the urge to do so grow stronger each day. And if I can use play as a way to cope better with all that’s going on in my life, then it certainly must be a good thing

The meeting is tomorrow. I fear it may be another bad day ...

Spring and womanly luxury

Have you noticed that spring is in the air? Here in Norway the days are getting longer, and the sun has started melting the snow. Some places you can even see the grass peeking through the snow and in an many gardens the first spring flowers are preparing to push through the cold soil to enjoy the warmth of the sun.

Yes, I know spring isn’t really here yet. But some days, when the sun is warm, and the snow is melting it FEELS like spring.

This time of year I enjoy taking long walks. Noticing the change from day to day. It’s amazing how quickly spring chases winter away when it firsts starts! One day my garden will be quiet, with only the sound of the wind through the branches of my huge tree. The next day I’ll hear birds singing, and the first butterfly is stretching it’s wings.

Just as certain as spring is coming now that it’s March, so is International Womens Day. On this day both women and men all over the world will be marching the streets. Demanding attention for womens rights all over the world. Ofcourse, the fight for womens right is ongoing every day of the year. With brave and strong women who are doing important work.
During the years many things have been accomplished, so there is cause for celebration aswell.

And what better day to celebrate that you are a woman? Why not pamper yourself a little?
Take the dog for a nice long walk if the weather is nice. Feel the smell of spring and enjoy life.
Don’t do housework, buy takeout and enjoy a good chickflick.

Pampering yourself can also mean buying yourself a little gift. As always, I turn to Eden Fantasys when I’m looking for something special.

Reluctance

As many of my friends, and a few more or less disappointed Dom’s, may have noticed. I’m pretty reluctant to get involved in any kind of playsession. Even if it’s just for a laugh.

I’ve tried explaining it to a few people, some understood and others probably just thought I’m a bit weird. Which is understandable. I AM weird, a fact I’ve never tried to hide.

So … why?

Well, it’s that thing I told you about in my last post called “Control”. When I play, I have little or no control. More often than no it doesn’t  take long before the rest of the world is a blur, before I get orgasms or slip into subspace. I’ve gotten many comments about it these past two years, and to be quite honest with you …
.
It’s really embarrassing!

Also, this makes the thought of playing with or around anyone who’s not aware of it a really scary thing.

Control

I’ve been meaning to write about control for a long time. About my need for it, and my lack thereof. And about the things I long for, but don’t dare try.

If there’s anything in my life I’m least able to maintain, it’s control. In most areas of life that’s not a good thing. I just don’t get around to doing things! Most of the time I have that “I’ll do it right after this” kind of attitude. Which means I’ll probably get stuck on 9gag, msn or Rift until bedtime.

I also don’t get around to eating breakfast. Which means I’ll skip my morningpills. Which are an entire meal in themselves by the way. When you’re bipolar that is most definately not a good thing. Not even if you’re “only” bipolar 2, like me.
Not taking my pills will send me on an emotional rollercoasterride, during which I rarely have any control at all. Fortunately the fact that I’m pretty good at taking my evening pills, a routine I’ve had since I was 3, keeps me from loosing it all together.
What I end up doing is eat chocolate when I’m supposed to eat food. Which again ofcourse has a bad effect on my weight.

Sometimes, when I’ve had a dominant partner, they’ve taken the bother to give me certain ground rules. As long as they’ve checked up on me every now and then, I’ve been really good at doing as I’m supposed to.
It’s a bit silly isn’t it? That I’m a complete mess on my own. But as soon a a man I care about tells me to follow certain rules I’m the most obedient little sub ever?

The X-files. Part 1 ...

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Me ... Now ...

What’s going on with me, my life and my BDSM? Seems like most of my posts lately have been reviews, which I love doing. But things need to get more personal. And more frequent. I’ve really been slacking for a while, leaving my blog more or less dormant.

In a way you might say I’m starting the blog all over again. I’m still me, I’m still a masochistic sub, I’ll still be writing about sex and kink. But I’ll also be sharing more of myself.

So what about me? Now?

Happy Valentines Day!

Only 2 days left to Valentines Day now. It’s not really a big deal here in Norway. In spite of desperate attempts to make it so by all the shops that sells flowers, cards and heart shaped candy.

I can’t really decide if I like the Valentines Day or not … I don’t think I’ve ever gotten any special attention on that day, so I’ve never had the chance to test it out.

Also, it interferes with my birthday! Being born just around both Valentines Day and the Norwegian Mothers Day tends to lessen the value of all three days out a bit. “Happy Birthday” just doesn’t have the same ring to it when an “Oh, just so you know … That includes Mothers Day and Valentines as well.” is included.

But, I guess I’ll just have to learn to live with that. I really don’t think there’s a man alive that will bother to make 3 days in a row seem special in their own way. And they don’t seem to realize that Valentines is supposed to be about THEM aswell ...

But I digress … I was really going to address those of you whoare actually planning to do something special for Valentines.
Do you have something planned? Are you the type who plans things weeks or even months in advance? Do you wing it? Or do you simply panic?

More clamps ... Oh, so lovely!

My little box of sex toys have gotten another new addition from the good people at Eden Fantasys. This is the first toy I'm not a 100% satisfied with. At the same time I think this is the toy that will quickly become my personal favourite.

I immediately chose these nipple clamps from my list of options. There was really no doubt if I wanted them or not. What I chose was a set Y-style clamps with clit clamp.
Now, I've already got my Butterfly Clamps. I suspect those will soon become any sadists favourite, since they really, really hurt!

The Y-style clamps however, will soon become the favourite of any masochist like me. I'm not a painslut, but I do enjoy pain. To a certain level.