Note: I refer to the sub as “she”, simply because I’m a female sub. That does not mean that I don’t include the male sub into my writings. It just gets tiring writing her/him all the time. I also refer to the Dom as “he”. Simply because I’m straight, and to me my Dom will always be a man. Again, it’s the he/she thing. I’m just too lazy ...
Every now and then, and far too often, I hear about Dominants who almost run their subs into the ground. Either because they don’t know what they’re doing. Or because they simply don’t care. Leaving a wake of heartbroken subs as they move on.
And then they don’t understand why they get a bad reputation ...
Ok … gawi’s rule number 1 when it comes to BDSM:
You can’t just grab a whip, start hitting, degrading and using a sub, then leaving her to her own devices. You need to know the risks. You need to know about subspace, about aftercare and you REALLY need to know about sub drop.
You need to know about breathplay, bloodplay and ropeplay. Will your knots tighten too much? Are you aware that you should have a pair of scissors around? And then preferably safety scissors?
Do you know what to do, and what NOT to do when it comes to breath play?
Do you know how to treat cuts so they won’t get infected?
Read, ask online, join forums, talk about these and other things at munches. And yes, I’m gonna say this … Ask your sub. She may actually know something you don’t.
And first and foremost …
a sub is a person with feelings
You can’t ignore that your sub has a sub drop because you just can’t be bothered. When you pick up that whip and start hitting, telling her “You’re mine”, then you also pick up a certain amount of responsibility for that sub.
If you’re not willing to deal with a sub drop. Then don’t play! It may not happen often, but when it happens it’s a really bad place to be. And most of the time it’s only our Dom who can get us quickly back on our feet again.
Not getting the care she needs during a sub drop can actually be a reason for a sub to leave the BDSM-scene.
It’s not all about YOU …
No, you’re not a weak Dom if you go down on your sub and give her pleasure.
Yes, you’re actually supposed to ask her what she wants out of your relationship. And then follow up on those things.
Yes, believe it or not, but a D/s-relationship is a two way thing.
Talk with you sub about your sessions. Unless you can read minds of course. Then you don’t have to.
If you can’t be there in person, then do it over the phone, on msn, skype, pm etc, and so on, and so forth …
What are her expectations? What worked? What didn’t work? Can anything be done differently?
Do you honestly believe that when you treat your sub like crap, other subs won’t find out? Come on, the scene isn’t THAT big! At least not here in Norway. We talk, we comfort each other when something is wrong, and we give each other advice.
So one day you may actually start getting the response, “Hey, everybody knows you’re a crappy Dom, so I’m not interested” when you go searching for a new sub.
You may be a nice guy, but when you don’t know what you’re doing people may soon start to believe that you’re an ASSHOLE
And lastly, to all us subs …We have a tendency to wind up in a little invisible cage we’ve made for ourselves. He’s the Dom. He’s the Boss, the Master, the Daddy. So we can’t tell him that he’s doing something wrong. Right?
If you feel something’s wrong, you NEED to tell him. We’re not supposed to just accept that he knows everything. He’s human. And as humans we’re meant to evolve, to develop new skills, to learn.
If someone feels they don’t need to learn anything more. That they’re perfect …
That means they’ve stagnated, they’ve failed.
So maybe he’s a lost case. He’s too stubborn, too stupid, too mule headed, whatever really. Then what do you do?
Leave him before it’s too late! There are better Dom’s out there. They may be rare and hard to find sometimes. But they’re out there.
So go looking. And never forget that even though you’re the sub. You’re still just as important as the Dom is.
End note …As I write this, I realize that I’ve been lucky. I’ve met experienced and caring Dom’s. Two of them stand out, both because they’re the ones I’ve played most with, and because they’re the ones who taught me the most. So I thank them both ...
Boss, I enjoyed being your “customsub”, it was fun!
Master, I loved being your slave. You showed me how much trust and pleasure a good D/s-relationship can have.
You’ve both ruined me a bit for further men though. I’ve become picky!