As many of my friends, and a few more or less disappointed Dom’s, may have noticed. I’m pretty reluctant to get involved in any kind of playsession. Even if it’s just for a laugh.
I’ve tried explaining it to a few people, some understood and others probably just thought I’m a bit weird. Which is understandable. I AM weird, a fact I’ve never tried to hide.
So … why?
Well, it’s that thing I told you about in my last post called “Control”. When I play, I have little or no control. More often than no it doesn’t take long before the rest of the world is a blur, before I get orgasms or slip into subspace. I’ve gotten many comments about it these past two years, and to be quite honest with you …
It’s really embarrassing!
Also, this makes the thought of playing with or around anyone who’s not aware of it a really scary thing.
I’ve played around others before. Some times it’s been ok, and I’ve been able to maintain a certain level of control. Other times I haven’t … This sometimes lead to comments. Which even though they're said in the best of meaning, makes me feel embarrassed and makes the threshold for playing with or around other people that much higher.
Another thing is how extremely personal play feels to me. I feel like I’m showing parts of myself that I don’t want anyone to see.
But I want to! When I’ve played at parties and it’s worked out ok, I’ve loved it. That little exhibitionist who’s hiding deep inside of me has been allowed out to play, and she loves it!
I see others play while having fun. I hear the stories after playparties. And it’s soooo tempting!
But nowadays even the mere idea of playing in front of others makes me feel panicky. Somehow the idea of going to a party with mostly strangers feels safer than playing at a party with my own group. Shouldn’t it be the other way around?
It’s now gotten to the point where even the idea of playing with someone new is scary …
Maybe I need help with boosting my courage? Maybe I should just accept the fact that this is the way I am?
Right now even the idea of posting this is scary. So maybe I’ll do it before I change my mind?
Don’t be surprised if this post is deleted tomorrow ;)