Tuesday, March 6, 2012

Yesterday ..

Yesterday. Was not a good day.

It didn’t start off too bad. Just an ordinary morning. But then I went to visit my mom. And that’s when my day turned bad.
She weighs what … 45 kg now? (99 pounds). She can’t eat, so she gets everything intravenously. She has a lot of pain …
Then she tells me the doctors wants to have a meeting. With her, and us three daughters. An informational meeting. That can’t be good news …
When I got out of the hospital, on my way home, and most of the evening, I cried. For the first time in months I wasn’t able to stop myself.

I know that this, on it’s own, doesn’t belong in this blog.

But here’s the thing …
For the first time. For the first time EVER. I felt the need to play even though my feelings were a mess. I pinched my arm, to make the physical pain drive away the emotional. The only thing I could think about was calling my old Master, and ask him if he had the time and opportunity to spend a few hours with me.

However. I had medication for my daughter with me in my handbag. And family always go first. So I picked myself up as best I could and went home.

All through the evening though. I thought about playing.

I wrote about this in the post called “Reluctance”. Maybe my “fear” of play is diminishing? Maybe I’ll be able to play again soon? I feel the urge to do so grow stronger each day. And if I can use play as a way to cope better with all that’s going on in my life, then it certainly must be a good thing

The meeting is tomorrow. I fear it may be another bad day ...

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