Monday, February 27, 2012


I’ve been meaning to write about control for a long time. About my need for it, and my lack thereof. And about the things I long for, but don’t dare try.

If there’s anything in my life I’m least able to maintain, it’s control. In most areas of life that’s not a good thing. I just don’t get around to doing things! Most of the time I have that “I’ll do it right after this” kind of attitude. Which means I’ll probably get stuck on 9gag, msn or Rift until bedtime.

I also don’t get around to eating breakfast. Which means I’ll skip my morningpills. Which are an entire meal in themselves by the way. When you’re bipolar that is most definately not a good thing. Not even if you’re “only” bipolar 2, like me.
Not taking my pills will send me on an emotional rollercoasterride, during which I rarely have any control at all. Fortunately the fact that I’m pretty good at taking my evening pills, a routine I’ve had since I was 3, keeps me from loosing it all together.
What I end up doing is eat chocolate when I’m supposed to eat food. Which again ofcourse has a bad effect on my weight.

Sometimes, when I’ve had a dominant partner, they’ve taken the bother to give me certain ground rules. As long as they’ve checked up on me every now and then, I’ve been really good at doing as I’m supposed to.
It’s a bit silly isn’t it? That I’m a complete mess on my own. But as soon a a man I care about tells me to follow certain rules I’m the most obedient little sub ever?

I suppose it’s that little thrill of being TOLD to do it, that enables me to do it in spite of myself. Many of the subs who are reading it may know what I’m talking about? That feeling of fulfillment when you know that special someone will be pleased when you’re following orders. Even though he may not check up on me every day, I know that if I’ve broken the rules he’ll be disappointed when he checks up on me.
If that’s combined with a little reward I can give myself after completing my tasks, I may even get a little horny.
Btw … having a pair of those little loveballs tucked inside you while you clean makes cleaning a little more … interesting?
Music is mandatory ofcourse.

Nowadays I feel I have a bigger need of maintaining control than usual. I think that because of all this stuff with my mom having cancer, I’m afraid I’ll just end up crying in a corner if I loose my desperate grip on what little control I have.
I feel like I have to clean every single moment I can. Because I never know when I have to rush to her apartment because she’s ill. But my house is still a complete mess ...
I feel like I have to keep my feelings in check at all times. If I don’t, I’m afraid I’ll start crying and not be able to stop.

So how does that affect my life as a sub? Right now it doesn’t. Since I’m recently single, I’m not really looking for a Dom. But when the time comes, I’m afraid my newfound need of control will get in the way. Because entering a D/s-relationship as a sub is all about giving up control. Will I be able to do that? What will the results be if I do? Will I even dare try? If I don’t it may even get in the way of something wonderful one day.
The reason why I worry about this is that I’ve never dared play when I’ve been in an unstable mood. If I’ve been sad, upset or stressed I’ve always said no to play.
I know other subs do it. I know many of them find it therapeutic to be allowed to scream, cry, swear, fight or whatever it is that makes them able to let go of all those bad feelings.
But what if I try, and it’s just too much? Will I be able to pick myself up again? Will HE be able to pick me back up again? Or will I just be sent straight into a downward spiral? Into one of those bad periods that my bipolarity is so “kind” to grant me with?
I so want to try! But at the same time I’m I’m terrified to do so. Right now I feel the risk is too high.

I need to be there for my mom. I need to stay strong for her.

Then there are the times when my lack of control is a GOOD thing.
Sex …
During sex, and also during play with someone I trust, I’m able to let go completely. Giving me the most wonderful and  almost instant orgasms, and the ability to enter subspace almost TOO quickly.
I never count my orgasms. Partners have tried, but they usually give up when they realize that they’ve barely started and I’ve already had a dozen or so orgasms. With the right motivation I’m able to stall them. But only up to a certain point.
I’ve been told I’m good for a mans self confidence. I wonder why? ;)

Then there’s subspace. It tends to come quickly. Atleast if there’s been a proper warmup, and it’s not punishment I’m going through. If the sex is kinky, I may wind up in subspace just from that!

So, I guess my lack of control can be a good thing aswell. But most of the time I really wish I had more of it ...

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