Thursday, July 7, 2011


So, it's 06.16 in the morning, and I've been awake since 4. I probably shouldn't be writing anything, and certainly shouldn't be communicating with other people in any way until I've had atleast 2 more hours of sleep. So if this turns out to be a rant, and I seem unfair or unpleasant in any other way ... please bear over with me.

First of all ... and this is most certainly a rant ... I hate my computer! It's painstakingly slow. It takes "lagging" to a new dimension and my version of word keeps asking me to update! I've obviously not installed everything I should have installed ... And I can't find the cd that came with the machine. I guess it should be possible to download something, but I'm just too lazy to do anything but let it annoy me for the moment.
So! Please don't give me lots of well meaning advice. I'm just too lazy right now. When it's annoyed me for long enough I'll call some friend who knows more about this stuff than me and get the help I need ;)

End of rant ...

Next thing I'm thinking about this morning ...
Lately (that means after I stopped playing with M) I've been approached by a surprisingly large amount of guys.

They all want to play.

Great huh? Thing is ... I don't want to play without being in love! But ... that's not a problem! According to them ... we can just play without sex! Just for fun. Flogging, bondage, humiliation, facefucking ... Wait, what? Facefucking is sex! Right? It's not like they're Bill fucking Clinton! Guess what! Fucking me to prove to me that I'm a thing, a sexdoll etc ... That's sex too!

But, they all seem to expect me to jump at the chance. Apparently I'm both lonely and desperate. Just because I answer that particular person and talk with him. Even seem to hit it off with him ... It doesn't mean that he's the only man in the world who finds me interesting. Neither am I so lonely that I can't wait another month, or five ... to see if I find that one particular man who likes me as something more than a plaything, or a fuckfriend, or .. whatever they may think I am.

Ok ... so I feel that lonely and desperate every once in a while ... But it always passes. I try not to let it affect my actions and choices.

It seems like many people who like BDSM only sees it as a game? You play, you enjoy. "That was great! Thanx!" Then you read the paper, or watch tv, laugh and talk or go your separate ways. That's it? No intimacy? Just a good laugh and a thankyou note?
I don't mean to offend anyone. I don't say that this is wrong. I wish I could enjoy BDSM that way myself! And I have. It was great when it felt like the right thing for me. In a few months I may feel like that again. Nothing is written in stone.
It's just that I'm in a place in my life where I'd like to be in a relationship. Maybe even 24/7? I think I'd enjoy that with the right person.
BDSM to me is very sexual, very intimate. I get horny, so I "need" to get laid after or during play. I need after care in the form of intimacy. Going directly from play-mode to platonic friend-mode. It just doesn't work for me nowadays. Again ... I wish it did.

I just want to say one more thing before I go back to bed and try to get some more sleep ...

If you think this is about YOU ... DON'T!

This is about noone in particular.
I'm not attacking or condemning anyone.
It's just random thoughts under the influence of insomnia. Thoughts about what's right for ME. Remember that MY bdsm in no way has to resemble YOUR bdsm. We're all individuals, and one of the wonderful things about this "world" of kinksters and pervs is that there's room for people to be just that ... individuals.

I've been thinking about this on and off for a couple of years now. The odds for me knowing you for that long are extremely low. So it's not about YOU. There's no reason for anyone to feel hurt, or criticized. I promise you, I have noone in mind.

It's about ME

It's now 07.30 in the morning. I went to bed at midnight. It took "forever" to go to sleep. I've been awake since 4.

Think I'll try going back to bed. Luckily I can sleep until 10.

Good night!

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