Dirty little secrets

This beautiful picture is taken by Edenbeast. I can't find him/her anywhere on the net, but hopefully I'll be allowed to use this photo.

So, I feel dirty. And not in a good way.

I don't know if it's because of all this mess with my blog not being anonomous anymore. Or if it's some other reason for me feeling this way.

Suddenly I feel like everything I've been doing these past 6 months is fundamentally WRONG.
When I read my reports to M I feel like taking a shower.
Thinking about doing any kind of session gives me the shivers.

Again ... not in a good way.

At the same time ... I know how great it felt when I was playing with M. How safe I felt, and how much pleasure he gave me.

I also remember how incredibly boring vanilla sex gets after the first exciting weeks have passed.

I remember feeling like this in the past. But I've always gone back to BDSM. So this time I won't even consider meeting vanilla men.

I guess I just need time ...

I keep telling myself that I won't play with anyone without being in love. And knowing WITHOUT DOUBT, that he feels the same. Whomever HE might be.

I just don't see the point in BDSM without sex. And I've gotten to the point where I don't see the point of having sex without love.

I also keep telling myself that he needs to live close to me. I just don't believe in long distance relationships. They're doomed from the beginning. Unless someone is willing to move. That someone can't be me. I've got kids, they've got their family here. So I can't move.

Meeting someone like that ... is nearly impossible. I live in a small place. Most dominant men are either too old or too young for me. Let's face it, even M was too young for me.

Guess I'll have to accept that I'll probably be both celibate and single for a while ...