As a slave I get punished from time to time. Sometimes I also get beaten with the belt or whipped just because he can. Don't get me wrong. This is not a bad thing! This is what I want. I love it!
When he punishes me I'm grateful for it. Grateful that he disciplines me, that he trains me and teaches me to be a good slave. When I'm done he holds me, comforts me.
I take pride in pushing my pink limits a bit when it comes to punishment. It's supposed to hurt. Both physically and mentally. It's supposed to teach me a lesson. So I hang in there. I cry and I squirm. He trusts me to let him know if it's too much for me. I love that he does that. I love that he doesn't freak out when I cry or scream out in pain. That he lets me have a few seconds to pull myself together if I need it. And then continues. I love it when he does that. It makes me respect him even more than I already do.
It seems like not all Dominants get that. Get that crying and begging is NOT the same as saying the safeword. That makes it harder to receive punishment. When you know that he'll stop if you let him know that it hurts. Hello? It's SUPPOSED to hurt!
So I love it when Master doesn't stop when I cry, cringe, swear or whimper. It says a lot about him as a Man, about his self confidence and sense of integrity. It makes me proud of being able to call myself his slave.
When he beats or whips me I love it, even though it hurts. Or maybe because it does? I love it because it gives him pleasure. I love it because it makes me dripping wet. I love it because I grow from it as a person. I love it because I know there will be a reward. Sometimes it's sex. Sometimes it's cuddling. Sometimes it's just the look in his eyes when he tells me I've done well. All those are great rewards! All of them makes my day!
I try to withstand the pain as long as possible. But I don't stretch it as far as with punishment. It's important that he can trust me to let him know it's too much. That I remember to use my safeword if I have to. I've only used it once when it comes to pain. I forgot all about it, but he suspected that I had and reminded me. The word PINK quickly came out of my mouth! Pink means I need a break. So we continued after I had a little time to pull myself together.
It's important for the both of us that I remember my safeword. Important for him so that he can relax and enjoy the experience. Important for me so that I don't push past my own limits.
I always cry after I've been whipped or beaten. It's a sweet release. Not only because of the pain, but also a cleansing of body and mind. It releases tensions, worries and fears. It cleanses my mind. And he's there for me. He holds me, lets me know it's ok to cry. That I've done well. So I get a hightened self esteem, I'm proud that I've made it through the experience.
So I crave the pain. I need it.
Some times, if I'm lucky I go into what I call masochist mode. That's when pain turns into pleasure. When I get there I moan and squirm. Not because it hurts, but because it feels wonderful. When I'm there he can escalate how hard he hits and it will still feel great. A too big increase in pain will cause me to drop out. Back to reality. That can be useful sometimes too. If my mind needs to be clear. Masochist mode is not like subspace for me. But it's certainly in the same category. I still "zone out", but in a different way. Another way to get me out of masochist mode is easy ... Just stop the beating, or do it softer. That will usually leave me extremely horny. Desperate actually. I beg Master to fuck me, and when he does it feels wonderful!
Lately my pain threshold has been disappointingly low. I cry and squirm far too early for my taste. However. This doesn't make me want to give up. It makes me want to try more. Harder. Push my limits, find new ways to cope with the pain.
I still enjoy the pain. It still makes me wet. It still makes me ache for Master to use my body. It still gives me a sense of accomplishment, of pride.
The fact that Master feels confident enough not to stop when I cry makes it possible for me to grow ... To experience more.
I think I could write page after page on this topic today. But I won't.
I'll finish with a favourite quote of mine. It describes what all of this means for me perfectly.
"Masochistic reduction of the ego, to basics, to shadow, to body, is a baseline experience. It seems to be a necessary process - less perhaps, for sexual pleasure than for the humus of psychic earth, for the very health and vitality of the soul. As much as most people would abhor the idea, masochistic experience does radical therapy, performs radical change to the ego"
A Jungian View by Lyn Cowan
A Jungian View by Lyn Cowan