Tuesday, February 5, 2013

The X-files, Part 2

I've been putting this off for ages. Reposting these reports that I wrote is a bit scary now that my blog isn't anonymous anymore.
What will people think? Will they judge? Do I really care if they do?

I don't know if I'll ever do the things I did back then again. A part of me would like to say never. But then again I know that things change when you're in a good D/s-relationship. Things that were scary and unthinkable aren't anymore.

But for now I'll just settle for the occasional trip down memory lane.

As in X-files, Part 1 I have to warn you about the HUGE TMI-factor(Too Much Information) in this post. There are explicit details about my sexual life. You are hereby warned ;-)

So, He wants to share me

He wants to tie my arms behind my back, make me kneel on the floor and make me give blow jobs to his friends. He wants to fuck me from behind while I suck his friends cock. Eventually he wants his friends to use me any way that they please as long as it doesn't break any of my red limits. Sometimes he'll participate, sometimes he'll just watch, and sometimes I'll be on my own with just the orders I've been given.
Ok, this is where you stop being angry at my behalf. It was actually my idea. I've dreamt about this for years. Of being a slave so wholly and fully that he can use me as it pleases in any and all ways. Including letting others use me if he so wishes.

I've suggested this to earlier Dom's. They haven't been too fond of the idea. They've promised me that maybe they'll allow someone to join them in play. But not sex.
It's not like I suggested it to him. I think? But we were sharing fantasies and this one popped out. And he loved it! He immediately began to work it over in his head, and shared his own fantasies about it.

It's not that I want to have sex with lots of guys. If that was the case I could just stay unattached and fuck whomever I pleased. No, it's that exchange of power. Giving my body for his pleasure. Totally. Fully.
Knowing that he gets a kick out of seeing me being used in this manner. Knowing that he'll be proud of me. Respect me. Not in spite of what I've done. But because of it.
And it's that humiliation thing. Being used for this. Being his little slut of a slave. Being his whore.
And it's taboo! It's one of those things that even fellow kinksters may frown upon.

The fact that I won't have a choice also turns me on. That I'll be tied up and blindfolded. Having the cocks of strangers stuffed into my mouth. Being told that I'd better do a good job or I'll be punished.

But, of course I'll have a choice. Nothing is set yet. I still have the chance to change my mind. If we go so far as doing this. And this stranger is standing there, his cock ready to fill my mouth. And it just gets too ... scary, too much. Then I can say my codeword. He'll accept that. His friend will accept that. There won't be any consequences and he won't be disappointed in me. I hope it doesn't come to that though.

Do I have reservations? Of course I do! It's scary as shit! But still, I get incredibly wet at the mere thought. My main turn-on is not servicing his friends. It's him watching. Him giving me away.
What are my worries?
My worries are that they'll talk. That one day someone will tell someone, and my friends or family will find out. Telling them that I'm a kinkster is one thing. But this, being shared, it's so taboo that few people will understand.
My worries are that one of his friends is one of those very few people I really, really dislike.
My worries are that one of them will have an STD. Condoms are a must of course, but accidents can, and do on occasion, happen.
My worries are that his friends won't understand. They'll enjoy it. I'm sure of it. But the world is full of double standards. And according to them those guys are the coolest ever! While I'm the whore. The slut.
Being seen as those things in my everyday vanilla life is something different altogether. I'm a mom, a daughter, a friend, a sister, an ex wife, an ex girlfriend. The people around me wouldn't understand. They'd be confused, worried, angry, hurt.

Those are my worries. Those are the things that may make me stop this before it even happens.

Saturday is the day. The day of me being shared for the first time. He's asked me several times if I really want to do this. Told me that I can back out any time I want. It's good to know that.
He's also told me that he looks forward to this. So do I. I do! Really I do! It's just that it's a bit scary ...

3 days left. Counting down ...

1 comment:

  1. And weirdly, I'm the one to share this kink. Thank you for reminding me :)