The X-files, part 7

Ahhhh, the fond memories of the first time I spaced out because of sex ...

As usual there's a huge tmi'alert for those of you who doesn't want to know about the intimate parts of my sexlife ;) ... 

Fucked into subspace

- Ride me, he said

It was the end of a wonderful evening. We had gotten an unexpected opportunity to spend the night together, and didn't hesitate to take it.

I took his cock out of my mouth and eagerly led it into my pussy instead. I let out a moan as he entered me. It felt so good to have him inside me. To watch him smile at me, to see him enjoy himself as I moved my body on top of him.

I love that. Watching him when we have sex. He's so relaxed when it comes to that. No posing, no showing off. Not hiding what he feels. So when I'm with him I don't close my eyes as much as I've done with my previous lovers. I watch him, I smile back when he smiles at me. But, most of all I enjoy the experience.

- May I come? I moaned.

- Not yet, he whispered ...

So I waited, fought back the orgasm. Kept it leashed, right there on the brink of ecstasy until I was allowed to come.

- Come! Come for me my whore!

The X-files, part 5

As usual, there's a tmi-alert for those of my friends who doesnt want to know intimate details about me ;)

Breakfast with a twist

So it was morning. Coffee was ready in time, baguettes were in the oven and the table was set for breakfast. In spite of the cold weather outside it was nice and warm in the kitchen. Which was good for me since I was dressed as I usually was when Master was at my place. Skimpy dress and nothing else.

Ding! Baguettes we're done and I placed them on the table. Master came with his coffee cup and sat down. I was getting ready to join Master for breakfast when he told me to suck his cock. I looked at him. He was already sitting at the table, so the only way to obey his order was by crawling underneath it. So I did ...

The X-files, Part 4

When I reread this I felt almost as nervous as when it happened. Do I regret it? No. Will I ever do it again? Don't know really. Right now it doesn't feel that way, but things change

TMI alert for my friends

So, I did it. He shared me

I did it! I followed Sir’s wishes and he shared me with one of his friends. There's no regret. No shame. None of those feelings of bad morals that I'm supposed to have. Just pride and gratitude to Sir for allowing me to have this experience. For guiding me through it.

I was wide awake the moment the alarm clock went off. This was the day. The day he would share me with his friends for the first time. I felt the nervousness in my body, that little knot of anxious anticipation in my chest.

The X-files, Part 3

Originally I posted this pretty late in the series, but this time I've chosen to put it where it should have been posted in the first place. Fond memories of a few stolen hours.

As per usual I send a huge TMI-alert to those of my friends who would prefer not to know explicit details about my sex life.

Booty call 1

So, I had a few hours to spend between dropping off one kid and picking up another. An offer to visit Sir was greatly appreciated. It had been planned for a few days, and if everything was on schedule we'd have three wonderful hours.
Of course nothing was on schedule. One tiny delay followed the other, and before I knew it I was delayed by one hour. Fortunately it worked out, so that we still had our three hours.
I was so nervous when I got closer to where he lived! It was only the second time we met for play, and I was late! Would I get punished for that? I imagined myself getting one lash of the belt for each minute I was late. Like I did when I forgot to put on the coffee.

The X-files, Part 2

I've been putting this off for ages. Reposting these reports that I wrote is a bit scary now that my blog isn't anonymous anymore.
What will people think? Will they judge? Do I really care if they do?

I don't know if I'll ever do the things I did back then again. A part of me would like to say never. But then again I know that things change when you're in a good D/s-relationship. Things that were scary and unthinkable aren't anymore.

But for now I'll just settle for the occasional trip down memory lane.

As in X-files, Part 1 I have to warn you about the HUGE TMI-factor(Too Much Information) in this post. There are explicit details about my sexual life. You are hereby warned ;-)

So, He wants to share me

He wants to tie my arms behind my back, make me kneel on the floor and make me give blow jobs to his friends. He wants to fuck me from behind while I suck his friends cock. Eventually he wants his friends to use me any way that they please as long as it doesn't break any of my red limits. Sometimes he'll participate, sometimes he'll just watch, and sometimes I'll be on my own with just the orders I've been given.
Ok, this is where you stop being angry at my behalf. It was actually my idea. I've dreamt about this for years. Of being a slave so wholly and fully that he can use me as it pleases in any and all ways. Including letting others use me if he so wishes.

I'm back

Whoah! I haven’t written in here since late June last year! I didn’t realize it was that long ago …

Well, life was very hard for a while, and everything got put on hold. Remember my post “Yesterday”? What that doctor told us was that my mom had cancer. So the next months were filled with grief, worrying, exhaustion and just learning how to cope.

She died in May. Only a few weeks after her birthday.

I’ve only just felt that I’ve started living again. It feels like I’ve only … well, existed the past year.

So it’s time to start trying to be active with my blog again.

So, what's this BDSM-thing really?

That's a question I've been thinking about a lot lately. Both because my vanilla friends have been asking me, and because I've started checking out vanilla men. Which just feels rather pointless.

Well, I know what we DO ofcourse. I know about D/s, bondage, flogging, masochism, consent, fetishes and so on.

But what IS it? Is it just a "hobby"? Is it just something I like? Is it a preference? Or is it something stronger, something more ... basic? Like a basic need for all these things. Something I can't do without, something that I’ll sorely miss if I end up in a vanilla relationship?

Because let's face it. Finding a kinky boyfriend is hard. Atleast in Norway. Atleast for me it seems.

The English Wikipedia lists BDSM as a sexual preference. While the Norwegian one defines it as an orientation.
Which one should I choose to believe? Or … should I believe any of them? After all, we all know that Wikipedia is an undependable source of information sometimes.

If it’s a preference then it implies that it’s a voluntary choice. Does it mean that I’ve chosen to be like this? That I simply find vanilla sex to be boring?

Come on, seriously?

Note: I refer to the sub as “she”, simply because I’m a female sub. That does not mean that I don’t include the male sub into my writings. It just gets tiring writing her/him all the time. I also refer to the Dom as “he”. Simply because I’m straight, and to me my Dom will always be a man. Again, it’s the he/she thing. I’m just too lazy ...

Every now and then, and far too often, I hear about Dominants who almost run their subs into the ground. Either because they don’t know what they’re doing. Or because they simply don’t care. Leaving a wake of heartbroken subs as they move on.
And then they don’t understand why they get a bad reputation ...

Ok … gawi’s rule number 1 when it comes to BDSM:

Frakkin’ KNOW what you’re doing!!!!

Yesterday ..

Yesterday. Was not a good day.

It didn’t start off too bad. Just an ordinary morning. But then I went to visit my mom. And that’s when my day turned bad.
She weighs what … 45 kg now? (99 pounds). She can’t eat, so she gets everything intravenously. She has a lot of pain …
Then she tells me the doctors wants to have a meeting. With her, and us three daughters. An informational meeting. That can’t be good news …
When I got out of the hospital, on my way home, and most of the evening, I cried. For the first time in months I wasn’t able to stop myself.

I know that this, on it’s own, doesn’t belong in this blog.

But here’s the thing …
For the first time. For the first time EVER. I felt the need to play even though my feelings were a mess. I pinched my arm, to make the physical pain drive away the emotional. The only thing I could think about was calling my old Master, and ask him if he had the time and opportunity to spend a few hours with me.

However. I had medication for my daughter with me in my handbag. And family always go first. So I picked myself up as best I could and went home.

All through the evening though. I thought about playing.

I wrote about this in the post called “Reluctance”. Maybe my “fear” of play is diminishing? Maybe I’ll be able to play again soon? I feel the urge to do so grow stronger each day. And if I can use play as a way to cope better with all that’s going on in my life, then it certainly must be a good thing

The meeting is tomorrow. I fear it may be another bad day ...

Spring and womanly luxury

Have you noticed that spring is in the air? Here in Norway the days are getting longer, and the sun has started melting the snow. Some places you can even see the grass peeking through the snow and in an many gardens the first spring flowers are preparing to push through the cold soil to enjoy the warmth of the sun.

Yes, I know spring isn’t really here yet. But some days, when the sun is warm, and the snow is melting it FEELS like spring.

This time of year I enjoy taking long walks. Noticing the change from day to day. It’s amazing how quickly spring chases winter away when it firsts starts! One day my garden will be quiet, with only the sound of the wind through the branches of my huge tree. The next day I’ll hear birds singing, and the first butterfly is stretching it’s wings.

Just as certain as spring is coming now that it’s March, so is International Womens Day. On this day both women and men all over the world will be marching the streets. Demanding attention for womens rights all over the world. Ofcourse, the fight for womens right is ongoing every day of the year. With brave and strong women who are doing important work.
During the years many things have been accomplished, so there is cause for celebration aswell.

And what better day to celebrate that you are a woman? Why not pamper yourself a little?
Take the dog for a nice long walk if the weather is nice. Feel the smell of spring and enjoy life.
Don’t do housework, buy takeout and enjoy a good chickflick.

Pampering yourself can also mean buying yourself a little gift. As always, I turn to Eden Fantasys when I’m looking for something special.

Reluctance

As many of my friends, and a few more or less disappointed Dom’s, may have noticed. I’m pretty reluctant to get involved in any kind of playsession. Even if it’s just for a laugh.

I’ve tried explaining it to a few people, some understood and others probably just thought I’m a bit weird. Which is understandable. I AM weird, a fact I’ve never tried to hide.

So … why?

Well, it’s that thing I told you about in my last post called “Control”. When I play, I have little or no control. More often than no it doesn’t  take long before the rest of the world is a blur, before I get orgasms or slip into subspace. I’ve gotten many comments about it these past two years, and to be quite honest with you …
.
It’s really embarrassing!

Also, this makes the thought of playing with or around anyone who’s not aware of it a really scary thing.

Control

I’ve been meaning to write about control for a long time. About my need for it, and my lack thereof. And about the things I long for, but don’t dare try.

If there’s anything in my life I’m least able to maintain, it’s control. In most areas of life that’s not a good thing. I just don’t get around to doing things! Most of the time I have that “I’ll do it right after this” kind of attitude. Which means I’ll probably get stuck on 9gag, msn or Rift until bedtime.

I also don’t get around to eating breakfast. Which means I’ll skip my morningpills. Which are an entire meal in themselves by the way. When you’re bipolar that is most definately not a good thing. Not even if you’re “only” bipolar 2, like me.
Not taking my pills will send me on an emotional rollercoasterride, during which I rarely have any control at all. Fortunately the fact that I’m pretty good at taking my evening pills, a routine I’ve had since I was 3, keeps me from loosing it all together.
What I end up doing is eat chocolate when I’m supposed to eat food. Which again ofcourse has a bad effect on my weight.

Sometimes, when I’ve had a dominant partner, they’ve taken the bother to give me certain ground rules. As long as they’ve checked up on me every now and then, I’ve been really good at doing as I’m supposed to.
It’s a bit silly isn’t it? That I’m a complete mess on my own. But as soon a a man I care about tells me to follow certain rules I’m the most obedient little sub ever?

The X-files. Part 1 ...

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Me ... Now ...

What’s going on with me, my life and my BDSM? Seems like most of my posts lately have been reviews, which I love doing. But things need to get more personal. And more frequent. I’ve really been slacking for a while, leaving my blog more or less dormant.

In a way you might say I’m starting the blog all over again. I’m still me, I’m still a masochistic sub, I’ll still be writing about sex and kink. But I’ll also be sharing more of myself.

So what about me? Now?

Happy Valentines Day!

Only 2 days left to Valentines Day now. It’s not really a big deal here in Norway. In spite of desperate attempts to make it so by all the shops that sells flowers, cards and heart shaped candy.

I can’t really decide if I like the Valentines Day or not … I don’t think I’ve ever gotten any special attention on that day, so I’ve never had the chance to test it out.

Also, it interferes with my birthday! Being born just around both Valentines Day and the Norwegian Mothers Day tends to lessen the value of all three days out a bit. “Happy Birthday” just doesn’t have the same ring to it when an “Oh, just so you know … That includes Mothers Day and Valentines as well.” is included.

But, I guess I’ll just have to learn to live with that. I really don’t think there’s a man alive that will bother to make 3 days in a row seem special in their own way. And they don’t seem to realize that Valentines is supposed to be about THEM aswell ...

But I digress … I was really going to address those of you whoare actually planning to do something special for Valentines.
Do you have something planned? Are you the type who plans things weeks or even months in advance? Do you wing it? Or do you simply panic?

More clamps ... Oh, so lovely!

My little box of sex toys have gotten another new addition from the good people at Eden Fantasys. This is the first toy I'm not a 100% satisfied with. At the same time I think this is the toy that will quickly become my personal favourite.

I immediately chose these nipple clamps from my list of options. There was really no doubt if I wanted them or not. What I chose was a set Y-style clamps with clit clamp.
Now, I've already got my Butterfly Clamps. I suspect those will soon become any sadists favourite, since they really, really hurt!

The Y-style clamps however, will soon become the favourite of any masochist like me. I'm not a painslut, but I do enjoy pain. To a certain level.

Rules for life ...

G.I.D (glad i deg) = ILU (I Love You)

Life just gave me a rude wakeup-call … It made me realize that some things are more important in life than others. Here’s my new “rules” for life, feel free to adopt them as your own:
...
…..
…....

Tell people you love them, often. You never know when it’s your last chance to do so.

Buy flowers for those you love NOW. They won’t be able to enjoy them if you wait until you have to put flowers on their grave.

Don’t let anyone sit alone on the holidays

Make sure your children know their grandparents

Do things together, create good memories

Turn the tv and laptop off during meals, talk about your day instead

Don’t stay mad. A disagreement is rarely so bad that it’s worth hating eachother for the rest of your lives …

Say “I love you, but right now I don’t like you very much”, instead of claiming that you hate someone you actually love

Don’t yell. Talk

Don’t critizise unless you have to. Give praise as often as possible, without overdoing it

There’s something good and beautiful in everyone. Make an effort to find it instead of looking for flaws in a person

Be tolerant

Take care of your health. The people that love you are just as afraid of loosing you, as you are of loosing them.

Call your parents atleast once a week, but don’t forget to visit them aswell

Make new traditions for your family, don’t forget the old ones

Last but not least …
...
…..
…....

Remember that Destiny is a cruel mistress. You never know when she’ll decide to take away someone you love

The first kiss

One of the advantages of being single, is that you can flirt with whomever you want. Another advantage is that you have the opportunity to experience that magical first kiss. Of course, not all first kisses are magical. Some are “just” nice, some are really good, and a few are just awkward.
But, every once in a while you get to experience the kind of first kiss that inspires movies, romantic novels, art and poetry.

The thing about that kind of kiss I’m talking about is that it starts a while before the kiss itself. It starts with flirting, or a look, by bumping into each other at a party. It starts when you meet someone who makes you FEEL them, even though you’re not even touching each other. Do you know the feeling I’m talking about? When you KNOW he’s standing behind you, even though you can’t see or hear him. But you can tell that he’s there from the way your skin tingles, your breath catches in your chest, your heartbeat quickens. If he’s sitting next to you it gets hard to concentrate, you feel that you may as well be naked.

Then, when that magical moment finally arrives. When you realize he’s going to kiss you. For a brief moment, time stops. All of the sudden you’re extremely aware of HIM, and the rest if the world is blurred out.

Hopefully, if you’re lucky. That won’t be the last time you kiss him (or her, if that’s your preference). Hopefully, that won’t be the last time one of his kisses has that magical feel to it.

Let’s just cross our fingers, shall we?

Butterflies

Normally you only find butterflies outside in the summer, but even though it’s November I actually have 3 of them in my house. One is an actual butterfly, which has decided to hibernate in my hallway. It sits up in the corner, pretending to be invisible …

The other two however are made of metal and reside in my little box of toys.
And, if you just guessed that this will be another toy review, then you’re absolutely right.

My new toys from Eden Fantasys are a set of Butterfly nipple clamps. I didn’t own any nipple clamps, so I was really happy for the opportunity to try out these.
My first reaction was ….



OUCH!!! O.o

They hurt! I know they’re supposed to, but they’re REALLY painful!
I’ve only tried them in non-play mode, and they actually brought tears to my eyes. Hopefully, when I’m in a playsession, with all those wonderful endorphins coursing through my system, they won’t hurt as much. If they work like the clover clamps they seem to be a copy of, they should tighten as you pull on the chain. Thing is, I don’t think I’ll be able to take much more of that. Not in non-playmode anyway.

Loveballs

Let me start this review with a short rant. I hate Norwegian customs. I’ve been waiting for my latest product to review for what seems like a small eternity now. I was rather impatient to begin with, sinceI was looking forward to getting these things in the mail. And when I guessed they should arrive soon I got a letter from the Norwegian customs. My package had been detained and I had to send in forms, receipts and confirmations. Well, getting the paperwork I needed was easy. I mailed the good people at Eden Fantasys, and the next day I had gotten everything I needed from there. Then all I had to do was pop the letter in the mail and wait.

And wait …

And wait …

My package FINALLY arrived last week, and I’ve been testing almost every day since. So, you should have guessed from the headline what it is I was waiting for. But just in case you haven’t gotten it yet .. My new sex toys for review are a set of those “loveballs”. I searched through all of the balls that Eden Fantasys can offer. And even for me with my latex allergy they have quite a few options. Finally I settled on a pair of Crystal Balls.