Dirty little secrets

This beautiful picture is taken by Edenbeast. I can't find him/her anywhere on the net, but hopefully I'll be allowed to use this photo.

So, I feel dirty. And not in a good way.

I don't know if it's because of all this mess with my blog not being anonomous anymore. Or if it's some other reason for me feeling this way.

Suddenly I feel like everything I've been doing these past 6 months is fundamentally WRONG.
When I read my reports to M I feel like taking a shower.
Thinking about doing any kind of session gives me the shivers.

Again ... not in a good way.

At the same time ... I know how great it felt when I was playing with M. How safe I felt, and how much pleasure he gave me.

I also remember how incredibly boring vanilla sex gets after the first exciting weeks have passed.

I remember feeling like this in the past. But I've always gone back to BDSM. So this time I won't even consider meeting vanilla men.

I guess I just need time ...

I keep telling myself that I won't play with anyone without being in love. And knowing WITHOUT DOUBT, that he feels the same. Whomever HE might be.

I just don't see the point in BDSM without sex. And I've gotten to the point where I don't see the point of having sex without love.

I also keep telling myself that he needs to live close to me. I just don't believe in long distance relationships. They're doomed from the beginning. Unless someone is willing to move. That someone can't be me. I've got kids, they've got their family here. So I can't move.

Meeting someone like that ... is nearly impossible. I live in a small place. Most dominant men are either too old or too young for me. Let's face it, even M was too young for me.

Guess I'll have to accept that I'll probably be both celibate and single for a while ...

Deleting ..

Someone has found out about my blog. They know who I am. So my blog is not anonomus anymore.

Maybe I'll keep posting my thoughts on BDSM. Maybe I'll start another blog.

I've deleted my personal posts. I'll delete my twitteraccount.

I'm heartbroken. I love my blog!

Edit ... loved ...

A strange creation ...

I've gotten my second toy from Eden Fantasys, my new favourite web shop for finding good quality sex toys.

Just as last time I got to choose from a list of non-latex toys, saving me the trouble of picking out the toys that won't affect my latex allergy.

This time I chose something that might be a bit of a challenge for me. Eden Fantasys has several g-spot vibrators. I'm not really a fan of having my g-spot stimulated, but I've been suspecting that this might be because most men seem to apply too much pressure when they stimulate it. Maybe I'm a bit more sensitive than most women in that area?

I've tried stimulating my g-spot with my fingers, but it's kinda hard to reach! So when I saw a g-spot vibrator on my list I didn't think twice about picking it. I've been looking forward to testing it out, and was thrilled when it arrived in the mail.

Unfortunately it came on the first day of that special time of the monh, so I had to wait a week to try it out.

I didn't wait with looking at it though! My first thought was that it looks really weird! Most of all it reminded me of one of those cute little kitchen appliances you found everywhere a few years ago. You know, when everything was shaped like cute little plastic aliens. Or, was that just in Norway we had those?

I even liked the colour! I really don't like pink. And this was pink ... However, it was a slightly dark rich shade of pink, which appealed to me. It was also smooth and had that velvety feel that they bragged about on the box. Even though it was hard.

What amazed me when I started it was that the entire shaft was vibrating! I'm not very good at reading descriptions, so I hadn't really noticed that fact. The head vibrated aswell ofcourse.

Another thing I noticed was the smell. Or rather the lack of smell. Other toys I've bought have had this really intense smell. It seems like non-latex toys don't have that? My little rabbit friend didn't smell either.

By now I was really looking forward to testing it out, and the next few days were really long. But finally the night when I could test it out was there. My daugher was asleep, the door was locked and I crawled into bed with both my new and old toy lying on the bedside table.

First thing I tested was the vibrating head. It worked pretty well as a clitoris stimulator, and will definately be a choice if my clit for some reason feels too sensitive for my rabbit.

Then I was going to try it out the way it's supposed to be used. It was a bit hard getting in! I know I'm a tight fit, so I had suspected that would be the case. Fortunately it only took a bit of jiggling to get it in.

I expected it to be a bit hard to find my g-spot, but to my surprise I found it almost immediately. The fact that I could decide how much pressure I could apply myself made it possible to keep the intensity at a level that I could still handle. And enjoy! And the vibrating shaft! Yummy! What a neat bonus!

The only downside I found was the fact that you have to keep the head turned the right way at all times. It got a bit awkward to control it, but I got the hang of it after a while.

I think that if you either get a bit of practice using it that won't be a problem at all. It probably also helps if you're not as tight "downstairs" as I seem to be.

And, with a partner? Should work like a charm! As long as he/she doesn't get too eager and apply too much pressure that is.

Again, a toy I definately can recommend! 

Shoes, shoes, shoes ...

Less than a year ago I only had 2 pairs of nice shoes. Well, ok shoes. I had a slightly worn pair of pumps that I bought at a thrift store. And I hade a pair of nice sandals. Both with a low heel.

In addition to that I had 2 pairs of rather nice boots that I got from my mom. Not because she bought them especially for me. But because she bought them without checking that they actually fit. When they didn't ... she gave them to me.

And it didn't bother me. I just couldn't care less that I didn't have a lot of shoes. The only times it DID bother me was those few times that I went out with friends, and had absolutely nothing to put on my feet other than those two pairs of boots.

I thought having lots of shoes was silly and a waste of money.

Shopping for shoes was torture! And a waste of time ...

Besides. Noone really notice what kind of shoes you wear anyways right?

WRONG

My new friend ...

I've got a new friend, I'm going to call him Thumper and he'll be living in my nightstand drawer ... 

A couple of weeks ago, I received my toy from Eden Fantasys. I had gotten a list of sex toys to choose 2-3 of favourites from, and was receiving a toy I've been very curious about. One of those infamous rabbit vibrators! I'd seen them on pictures, I'd heard my girlfriends brag about them, I'd even heard about them in movies and tv-series! And now I was finally going to try one out myself.

The toy I received was called "White heat double delights medium".  There was a larger version, but I chose the medium one since I prefer medium sized toys.

When I went to the post office to collect my package I immediately noticed the size of the box. It was small! The box was anonymous so it didn't neccesarily have to be from Eden Fantasys. However I couldn't recall ordering anything online, so it had to be my rabbit.

As soon as I got in the car I ripped the package open. It hardly weighed anything, and at first it seemed that it only contained grey paper. Underneath the paper though, there was an even smaller box. It contained the famous rabbit, which was small enough to fit in the palm of my hand.

I just HAVE to learn to read through the description of things like this properly! Other things I hadn't noticed was the fact that it's waterproof, and a g-spot stimulator.

Later that that night, after the kids went to sleep, I got the opportunity to test it out. I was surprised over how soft it is. It looks kinda hard on the pictures, but it's soft and smooth.

I had gotten permission from M earlier in the day to test it out and so I did. I didn't expect much, after all ... it's small! Turns out that good things DO come in small packages sometimes.

It felt great! The vibrating bits(bullets?) in both of the heads, plus the "edge" that swirls around the rabbit, really do the trick. Also the fact that it has two heads made me realize why some of my girlfriends swear that the rabbit is the only way to go.

This little toy is the first toy ever that has gotten to live in my nightstand drawer. Also, the small size plus the fact that it's relatively quiet makes it the ideal companion for travel

Toys toys toys ...

I must admit, toys have been a pretty scary thing for me. I've tried several toys over the years, and they've all HURT! So I've never really understood what all the fuzz with toys was about.

Last fall however, a friend suggested that maybe I was allergic to latex? For some idiotic reason, the thought had never occured to me!

I bought some latexfree condoms, and put one of them on one of my dildo's. I was certain that it would still hurt, but it didn't. It actually felt quite good!

However, using a 5$ condom (Yeah, they're that expensive in Norway!) every time I wanted to enjoy myself a bit, just hasn't been an option. So I've been looking into latex free toys.

It's confusing though! Turns out that a silicone toy doesn't neccesarily have to be latex free! If only as little as 10% of the toy consists of silicone, the toy can be labeled as a silicone toy. Which means that it can still contain 90% latex.

So, how do I find out that a toy is latexfree? When most online stores only list them as "Silicone"? Well, you have to find one that actually differs between "Silicone" and "Latex Free"

It doesn't help that I get completely lost every time I wander into an "adult toy store". When I was young (i.e. "when the dinousaurs roamed the earth" *giggles*) there wasn't much of a selection. We had dildo's of varying sizes and colours, and some of them vibrated. That's it!

Now there's dildo's, vibrators, bullets, eggs, rabbits, double dildo's, lots of stuff for anal play ... and the list just continues.

So, in the middle of my rather confused exploration of adult toy stores, I got an e-mail from Eden Fantasys. Would I be interested in testing out some of their products?

At first I was sceptical. Surely this had to be some kind of scam? However, their website looked great, so they were obviously a real buisness. So I answered their e-mail, and agreed to join their program.

After mailing a bit back and forth for a couple of days I received a list over toys I could choose from. And guess what! Since I'd told them about my latex allergy, the good people on Eden Fantasys had sorted out all the toys I couldn't use! So there were only latex free toys to choose from.

A couple of weeks after I answered that e-mail my first toy arrived in the mail. Want to know what it was? Stay tuned, you will find out tomorrow

Pain

As a slave I get punished from time to time. Sometimes I also get beaten with the belt or whipped just because he can. Don't get me wrong. This is not a bad thing! This is what I want. I love it!

 

When he punishes me I'm grateful for it. Grateful that he disciplines me, that he trains me and teaches me to be a good slave. When I'm done he holds me, comforts me.

I take pride in pushing my pink limits a bit when it comes to punishment. It's supposed to hurt. Both physically and mentally. It's supposed to teach me a lesson. So I hang in there. I cry and I squirm. He trusts me to let him know if it's too much for me. I love that he does that. I love that he doesn't freak out when I cry or scream out in pain. That he lets me have a few seconds to pull myself together if I need it. And then continues. I love it when he does that. It makes me respect him even more than I already do.

It seems like not all Dominants get that. Get that crying and begging is NOT the same as saying the safeword. That makes it harder to receive punishment. When you know that he'll stop if you let him know that it hurts. Hello? It's SUPPOSED to hurt!

So I love it when Master doesn't stop when I cry, cringe, swear or whimper. It says a lot about him as a Man, about his self confidence and sense of integrity. It makes me proud of being able to call myself his slave.